I have to wonder sometimes why certain things happen the way they do. Obviously, life cannot be planned for 100%. Things will happen that you don’t expect, or things that you do expect will fail to happen… and then there’s those times where you should have expected it, and were too blinded by good faith and prospect to realize, you should have known better.

In this case, I should have known better.

Tell me, what was the point in trying? What exactly was the point in me putting myself out there and offering myself if you were just going to spit in my face and tell me, “No”? I’m not mad at the innocent parties who had no say; I’m mad at the system. Yes, system, I’m talking to you. You portray yourself as a democracy at times, and a dictatorship in others. I wouldn’t be feeling cheated right now if it had been done by the book. But you, system, have played a dirty trick on an anxious and now heartbroken soul. I feel lied to, and slightly betrayed.

But wait, here comes the inevitable  backlash for speaking one’s mind. It’s not easy for me to hide my true feelings behind a mask, and pretend everything is OK. But in order to display a sense of dignity and maturity to an audience that expects it of me, I am required to smile, nod, and act complacent. Do I really want to act this way? No. It is, however, also inevitable that the moment a voice speaks out from the crowd, the curses and hisses arise from those who don’t believe in what you believe. These are the masses that will spit at you, sneer in your face, tell you that you’re “sucking on sour grapes”… all in the name of speaking out against a seemingly corrupt and unfair system.

And yet, through all this, I still choose to be part of this system. Why? Because I, like many others, hold onto hope. Hope is the one thing that keeps me moving. I have always been an optimist, even when I was sinking with no one to reach out a hand and pull me out of the murk. I will continue to hope that this system will eventually do what it should and follow the path they claim to follow. I can only hope that time will heal these wounds; this shattered pride, this damaged ego, and this broken heart. I can only hope that if I wait long enough…

Everything will be all right.

Rants corrupt, lies, system, unfair

So I’m on my computer, minding my own business… when I start to notice it is acting funny. So I decided to restart. When it comes back it says it needs to do a system check. I was already getting nervous. So I let it do its thing… and then? Some message comes up saying that it can’t load my personal settings and it’s going to log me in under a temporary profile. What the fuck. I go to My Documents, all my shit is gone. I start to freak out a bit, because I’m thinking, how could I have lost everything? So I check the space available on the main drive, and it’s still the same it was before the restart. Then I realized, the information is there, I just can’t get to it.

I call my big brother over, just because he’s a bit more knowledgeable about tech stuff than I am, and he starts helping me to figure out a solution. He tells me we should just do a system recovery. So we start praying that the system made a back-up recently, so that I wouldn’t lose too much recent activity. PRAISE BABY JEEBUS, there was an update marked for YESTERDAY at 8:00 pm. I was so relieved! I went through the system recovery process with my fingers crossed, sweating bullets, and tada! Everything went back to normal.

As soon as things went back to normal, I went and removed the bulk of my artwork from my main drive, since I have all of it (including newer works I had started yesterday) on my 500gb external drive. After it was all gone, (save for two files that refuse to be deleted), I ended up gaining about 90gb of space. YIKES.

Yes. My night has been quite interesting.

Life computer, recovery, system