Hope.
I have to wonder sometimes why certain things happen the way they do. Obviously, life cannot be planned for 100%. Things will happen that you don’t expect, or things that you do expect will fail to happen… and then there’s those times where you should have expected it, and were too blinded by good faith and prospect to realize, you should have known better.
In this case, I should have known better.
Tell me, what was the point in trying? What exactly was the point in me putting myself out there and offering myself if you were just going to spit in my face and tell me, “No”? I’m not mad at the innocent parties who had no say; I’m mad at the system. Yes, system, I’m talking to you. You portray yourself as a democracy at times, and a dictatorship in others. I wouldn’t be feeling cheated right now if it had been done by the book. But you, system, have played a dirty trick on an anxious and now heartbroken soul. I feel lied to, and slightly betrayed.
But wait, here comes the inevitable backlash for speaking one’s mind. It’s not easy for me to hide my true feelings behind a mask, and pretend everything is OK. But in order to display a sense of dignity and maturity to an audience that expects it of me, I am required to smile, nod, and act complacent. Do I really want to act this way? No. It is, however, also inevitable that the moment a voice speaks out from the crowd, the curses and hisses arise from those who don’t believe in what you believe. These are the masses that will spit at you, sneer in your face, tell you that you’re “sucking on sour grapes”… all in the name of speaking out against a seemingly corrupt and unfair system.
And yet, through all this, I still choose to be part of this system. Why? Because I, like many others, hold onto hope. Hope is the one thing that keeps me moving. I have always been an optimist, even when I was sinking with no one to reach out a hand and pull me out of the murk. I will continue to hope that this system will eventually do what it should and follow the path they claim to follow. I can only hope that time will heal these wounds; this shattered pride, this damaged ego, and this broken heart. I can only hope that if I wait long enough…
Everything will be all right.
