The good news is: I got a raise. Yep, my boss said he noticed I’d been working really hard lately and that I earned it. What he doesn’t know is the reason why I had been working so hard. Not only did I have to spend $700 to fix my car, the next day I had to put up half the rent. I was left with $26 in my bank account. Granted, this job pays every week so I am assured my balance won’t stay that low for too long. Within a day, I had $400 again. Still, that was painful to look at. Here I am working a 9-to-5, that extends into overtime hours a lot, and I just barely paid my dues. It’s depressing. Thankfully, that raise will help a lot. A LOT.

The bad news: Audi still wants to leave Florida. He and I had a HUGE talk about it yesterday. I told him, “I can’t leave Florida. Not right now. I have a solid job where my boss just gave me a raise, and I could possibly be earning more in the future. I can’t afford to lose this job just because I’ll be trying to decide where I’m gonna live in the next 2 months.” He agreed with that, but still said he wanted to leave.

I told him he needs to seriously think about it more. A LOT MORE. Yes, I was pissed. It’s not fair that I need to uproot my life, a life I need at the time, just because he doesn’t like Florida. I don’t like Florida, either. But now is not the right time for me to leave. If he decides to leave me here with this apartment, fine. But he needs to seriously consider what he’s leaving behind: a woman that loves him that has put up with his mood swings, has stuck around despite his multiple break-ups with her, and has never asked for anything other than his love.

Amongst a lot of other things, I told him, “Do you think another woman is going to have the same patience as me?” to which he replied, “What makes you think there would be any other woman?”… Honestly, I wasn’t quite sure how to take that. Does that mean he feels he won’t be able to get another girlfriend? Or that he thinks I’m the one? I don’t know. I’m still trying process it.

There was a lot of crying, a lot of anger, and a lot of comforting. If nothing else, I am grateful that Audi is a REAL man when it comes to treating me well. He doesn’t just bail on me or act like I’m a leper whenever I feel sad. After all of that, he said he would think about it more. I told him, “You know, this little shithole apartment may not be much, but at least you have a place to come home to with a  woman that loves you.” He said, “I know.”

*sigh* TROUBLE IN PARADISE.

Anyway, I’m off to work today. Need those extra hours, ya know! After that, I’ll be heading over to my cousin’s house since my parents are coming up from Miami. I’ll also be working tomorrow (Sunday) and after that, I’ll hopefully be hanging out with my neighbors to celebrate 4th of July. I hope.

Ciao!

Audi, Family, Friends, Job, Life, Rants apartment, Audi, florida, Job, raise

As if things couldn’t be more fucking hectic and frantic and crazy and every other synonym I could think of, now I need to spend another $700 on my car to fix it. I understand what needs to be fixed and they are things that desperately need to be fixed. But shit, why now when our lease is almost up and the hubby still hasn’t decided what the hell he wants to do; renew the lease or put our things in storage and have us move in with relatives until we move out of Florida? What the hell, man… Now, when I finally have a job that seems stable and is paying me good money, he wants to leave. What. The. HELL. I’m so close to telling him, “I’m renewing the lease, you’re welcome to stay here with me if you like…” It’s not fair to me that now I’m bringing in the bulk of our income and he wants to hightail it out of Florida. One more year wouldn’t kill him, and it would give us time to save up money and move out next year! And not just move out to some shithole, but get us an actual house for cheap (because really, anywhere is cheaper than Florida LOL).

On a lighter note, I went out Saturday night to Ft. Lauderdale to see my ex-boyfriend Eddy’s band Dissever play at the Monterey Club. I was originally going to go with my next door neighbor, but she bailed on me. And of course, Audi the homebody didn’t want to go out anywhere. So, I ended up going by myself. And I am quite glad I did. I got to meet up with Eddy (whom I hadn’t seen in years) and it felt great to re-connect with him, since I’ve known him for almost 10 years. I even bought a Dissever t-shirt and was offered a micro-brewed beer by Dissever’s manager. Sweet.

Right now, I’m on my lunch break, taking the time to write in my blog since it seems I never have time to do so anymore… except when I have something to bitch about. Oh, snap. I guess this is one of those times, eh?

Oh, but I do have some more good news. I don’t believe I’ve mentioned this in my blog, but one of my artworks was chosen to be printed in Ballistic Publishing‘s upcoming book Exposé. This is a very big deal; this book is one of the biggest digital art books in the world, and is seen by big name artists, companies, producers, etc etc. Here’s to hoping this publication will get me some much needed attention.

Anyway, back to work now. Still have a lot of stuff to finish today. Yay. Ciao!

Audi, Fun, Job, Life, Rants ballistic publishing, car, concert, dissever, live show, repairs, work

I have to wonder sometimes why certain things happen the way they do. Obviously, life cannot be planned for 100%. Things will happen that you don’t expect, or things that you do expect will fail to happen… and then there’s those times where you should have expected it, and were too blinded by good faith and prospect to realize, you should have known better.

In this case, I should have known better.

Tell me, what was the point in trying? What exactly was the point in me putting myself out there and offering myself if you were just going to spit in my face and tell me, “No”? I’m not mad at the innocent parties who had no say; I’m mad at the system. Yes, system, I’m talking to you. You portray yourself as a democracy at times, and a dictatorship in others. I wouldn’t be feeling cheated right now if it had been done by the book. But you, system, have played a dirty trick on an anxious and now heartbroken soul. I feel lied to, and slightly betrayed.

But wait, here comes the inevitable  backlash for speaking one’s mind. It’s not easy for me to hide my true feelings behind a mask, and pretend everything is OK. But in order to display a sense of dignity and maturity to an audience that expects it of me, I am required to smile, nod, and act complacent. Do I really want to act this way? No. It is, however, also inevitable that the moment a voice speaks out from the crowd, the curses and hisses arise from those who don’t believe in what you believe. These are the masses that will spit at you, sneer in your face, tell you that you’re “sucking on sour grapes”… all in the name of speaking out against a seemingly corrupt and unfair system.

And yet, through all this, I still choose to be part of this system. Why? Because I, like many others, hold onto hope. Hope is the one thing that keeps me moving. I have always been an optimist, even when I was sinking with no one to reach out a hand and pull me out of the murk. I will continue to hope that this system will eventually do what it should and follow the path they claim to follow. I can only hope that time will heal these wounds; this shattered pride, this damaged ego, and this broken heart. I can only hope that if I wait long enough…

Everything will be all right.

Rants corrupt, lies, system, unfair

This is something I need to get out, simply because, if I don’t, I just might get a brain hemorrhage and pass out.

Digital art is like any other skill: it takes a lot of time, a lot of practice, and a lot of dedication. It’s not something that anyone can just pick up after five minutes of tinkering with Photoshop or Illustrator. There are two and four year schools dedicated to the study of Digital Art, both as a technical skill and as a historical exploration. There are galleries and museums that document the growth of Electronic Media, Video Art, Digital Art, 3D animation, and much more. Any TV show, film, video game, commercial, or cartoon you see has a massive team of people, each with a dedicated task, that helped make that piece of footage possible.

So when someone implies to me that Photomanipulation is not that hard, or fix this little thing here, or whip something up, it makes me want to punch myself in the face just so I can go unconscious for a few hours.

I have dedicated 10 years of my life to Digital Art, both the study and practice of it.In fact, my current reading is New Media Art by Reena Jana and Mark Tribe [link] and next, I plan on reading “Art of the Digital Age” by Bruce Wands [link] . During the 8 years (yes, 8 years) that I attended college solely to learn more about Digital Art, I spent every free moment I had outside of college learning about Digital Art. I didn’t stop. I pushed myself all the time, taught myself what my teachers didn’t or couldn’t, and still today, I know I have room for improvement.

It’s difficult to stop people from assuming that because I’m using a mouse and a keyboard, or that I have “undos” and a History feature, that somehow my artwork is less worthy of being considered art. No matter where I go, I run across someone who thinks that because I know Photoshop well, that I can just wave a magic wand and do something in 2 seconds flat. It doesn’t work that way. Even Digital Art requires an idea, a method, trials and tests, and eventually, a solution.

For a long time, I used Photoshop 5.5. If it were up to me, I’d use that for the rest of my life. But ever since my hard drive failed and I started using the company laptop at home, I’ve been using CS4. Apart from a few features that I nodded my head and said, “Neat”, I didn’t do anything any differently than when I had 5.5. Why? Because I pushed myself to learn new and different ways of doing things. If I didn’t have a feature that could do what I wanted, I came up with a new way. I’d try again and again and again until finally I got the result I wanted. This wasn’t a simple process that took me a few hours. I’d sometimes spend a week, almost nonstop, working out how to achieve the look or effect I wanted.

Why did I explain all that? To reiterate my first point: Digital art is like any other skill: it takes a lot of time, a lot of practice, and a lot of dedication.

I wrote a Tweet recently where I stated, “I want a one woman show during Art Basel. I want to make digital art museum-worthy. I want it all. And I’m gonna make it fucking happen.”

I especially meant that second line. I want to make Digital Art museum-worthy. And yes, I’m gonna make it fucking happen.

Thank you.
*steps off soapbox*

Art, Life, Rants Art, digital art, photomanipulation

The story of my life right now. Too damn busy, and too damn tired. Sometimes I feel like I’m gonna pass out into a frickin’ coma.

However, last night, I finally had an opportunity to go out and have a good time. I went with my neighbor to go see Afrika Bambaataa and Black Sun Empire perform at Revolution Live in Ft. Lauderdale. It was fucking amazing. The vibe and the atmosphere in the club was just so incredible: people joining together just to enjoy the music and have a good time. I hadn’t danced that much in months, but man, did it feel good to cut loose, AND to some killer drum and bass. Yessssssss.

The hubby has been out of town for the past few days. He went down to Miami to visit his mom for her birthday, and he’ll be coming back home tomorrow in the afternoon. It’s been nice having the apartment to myself, but I do miss him regardless.

I’ve been trying to finish some commissions that I got hired to do a while ago. They weren’t too major, but they do need to be finished. I just can’t seem to concentrate on things. I get home and my brain just doesn’t want to focus on much. It sucks.

Anyway, I guess that’s all I really have to say. Ciao.

Life

So yea, life has been pretty cut and dry lately. Go to my job, come home, do more stuff for the job, and work on art. That’s it. I’ve been obsessing over a new painting that has dominated the majority of my free time. LOL.

Fortunately, I DID take time of out my routine to spend some time with my family this past weekend. My parents, brother, and his son came up from Miami to visit my cousin, so I headed over there, too. We celebrated Mommy’s Day late, but it’s the thought that counts anyway. Shouldn’t matter what day it falls on, you know? We had plenty of good food, and the day was surprisingly drama free! I spent most of the time with my parents, aunt, and grandma just chit-chatting. My godkids and nephew were all playing together on the Wii, and my brother and cousin were hanging out on the second floor. Everybody just stayed in their own little space, and because of that, no arguments broke out. A MIRACLE, I tell you! Haha.

Today, I went over to my cousin’s again, since she had invited me to join them all at the pool. Soooo, I went out after leaving their house yesterday to buy a new swimsuit. Unfortunately, I couldn’t find a true matching pair, so I bought a top from one set and a bottom from another. Yes, yes… I actually bought a two piece and may I just say I look DAMN FINE in it?? ;D The hubby commented on how good I look in a two-piece bathing suit. Teeheehee.

The pool was fun for the most part. There was almost nobody there. Two women came along who apparently couldn’t bear to see the little girl they brought along playing with my godkids (stuck up bitches), and ended up taking her away after only being there 20 minutes. Later on, some guy  and a kid (I’m assuming it was his son) sh0wed up. The kid was nice enough at first, but apparently was bothered by the fact that my godkids wanted to play with him. Seems he said something to Sabian and Sabian left the pool looking rather glum. We decided to leave soon after that, since it seemed we had overstayed our welcome. LOL. Fucking people piss me off. It’s bad enough that Sabian is a sensitive soul. We went back to the house, ate some lunch, and watched “Aliens in the Attic”. It was actually REALLY entertaining. I thought it was going to be just another dumb kid’s movie that I, as an adult, wouldn’t enjoy. But I was pleasantly surprised.

Anyway,  I want to get back to that painting. Ciao! <3

Art, Family, Friends, Fun, Life Art, Family, godkids, mother's day, painting, pool

The roller coaster of emotions has been climbing steadily upwards; here’s to hoping it plateaus for a little while and stays elevated, eh? Hehe. For the past week, things have just been calm, quiet, and enjoyable. There’s been no drama between me and the hubby, very little drama at work, and I even managed to finish what I consider my best digital painting yet. Just click on the preview image below and it will open in a new tab/window:

There’s really not much else to update on, except maybe that the hubby bought some more gear on eBay yesterday. Here’s to hoping it arrives safe, sound, and in complete working condition. =]

I’m off to watch some Inuyasha, and then get some sleep. Ciao!

Art, Audi, Fun, Life Art, Audi, gear, painting

Yep, that’s the name of the game right now. Seems every little thing in life is out to frustrate, annoy, and torment the living shit out of me. Why? I don’t know. Maybe I was an evil witch in a past life, or some nasty karma is rearing it’s ugly head in my direction. Whatever the reason, I wish it would bloody well STOP already.

I’m tired, too. I’ve been feeling really run down and defeated lately. I don’t feel like eating sometimes, either. I’d just rather stay in bed and not do anything, or say anything… it doesn’t help that Audi has been so busy with his hard drives and computer situation to come and give me some much needed attention. *sigh* What a dumb yutz he is sometimes.

I’m going to my goddaughter’s soccer practice today, again. Hopefully seeing her smiling and happy to see me will lift my spirits a bit.

Gotta get back to work. Ciao (for now).

Audi, Family, Fun, Job, Life, Love Audi, frustration, sabrina, soccer, work